unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
12:55 am - 06.23.04
Morgie's Last Stand
She was expecting things to be like they always were. That this was all some silly argument. That one of us, eventually, would just forgive the other, and start again.
Well it's not that easy. I am a sexual person, that should be enough. She can have her views, but when she uses her views to say that she's the only one that right, and I'm wrong, well I can't handle that.
So here's an email she sent today, saying it's the "last letter":
"I know I'm suppose to feel sorry for what I said. I know that I'm suppose to come craweling to you, with some sort of half hearted apology, and say that we can be friend's again.
But I can't. I'm tired of pushing how I feel aside, and trying to consider another person's feelings. I'm tired of you treating me as though your thoughts, and your ideas about this world, and the way the world works is the only way, or the 'right' way to think. And that I'm some sheep, for seeing truth in the majority at times. Cause whether I agree with the consensus or not, doesn't mean that I haven't *thought* about it on my own and reached that conclusion.
I've done a lot of bending in our friendship. I've relaxed my morals about sex, I've tried to think 'outside the box' .. and to be honest, I just can't be as 'open' as you say you are. Cause to be honest, I think some of the things that you're so 'open' to are down right perverted, and sick.
I don't like taking away basic deffinitons. Hispanic. African American. Woman. Man. Homosexual. Heterosexual. Bi-sexual.
These things for 99.9% of the world are pretty clear cut. There are areas of gray, I'm certian .. some people aren't born as either male or female. Some for whatever fluke of genetics are botn with both sets of equipment. Some come from blended genetics, and are half this or a fourth of that when it comes to race. Those grey areas, I understand.
But if I were to embrace *your* grey areas .. and believe that a person can be simply a sexual being, instead of having one sexual orientation or another, I feel that I'd have to be open and accepting of a whole lot of other fetishes, and nastiness which quite frankly, makes me sick to think about.
I wont apologize for saying that sodomy is a homosexual act. It is. On this point, I've had a number of people sound off to me -- some agree that it's only homosexual if it's done by two people of homosexual gender, some think that it's a sin no matter what gender couples are participating in it .. some agree with me. It doesn't really matter what *everyone else* thinks though, it only matters what I think.
And in my mind, anal sex has always been 'gay sex' to me. To me, that's when a gay man loses his virginity. When he has anal sex. It's gay sex to me. If saying what I think makes me a bigot, then by all means.. u can walk away from 5 years of friendship with the thought firmly clutched in ur chest, that I am a bigot. I'm not even going to link my reasoning to the bible, or to the dictionary. I'm simply saying what I feel and what I think based on my own experiences, and my own research.
I don't think that I am a bigot. I'd never murder someone over their sexuality. I'd never tell them they couldn't have the same job that I could, or pay them less to do what I do. I don't consider people whom are homosexual, any better or worse than heterosexuals. I simply think that people should have an orientation.
To erase all titles, and labels completely, is to try to make black look white, or red look blue. Many people erase all labels, to erase any sense of sin or moral wrong doing on their part. If a criminal were to ask, 'what really is a criminal anyway' and twist the meaning to apply to only certian crimes, why then .. if he hasn't commited *those* crimes .. well then, he's not a criminal. And by golly, he gets off Scot-Free. And you can split hairs about it all you want, but you have to draw the line somewhere, and for me - that line is when two guys have sex with each other. If they have sex with each other, no matter what they're thinking of - they're gay. Or at the very least participating in gay sex.
As much as I'd like to aplaud u for daring to think out of the box, and wanting to be a person with no sexual identity, other than to be simply sexual .. I wont do it. Cause for me, it seems as though people who walk around like that, with that state of affairs are really only looking to do 2 things, one -- to convince themselves that they're 'ok' that they don't fall under a label, which might for whatever reason leave them open to either critism, or moral wrong doing by the general public or whatever god they believe in.. and 2 - to lie to themselves about who they really are, because for whatever reason, they're uncomfortable with it.
I think a person ought to do some soul searching and find a label for themselves by which to define themselves. You clearly disagree .. for you, not having a label is a sign of liberation .. for me, knowing where you fit, and what you are .. is a sign of maturity. It means you've reached an emotional point where you can accept youself for who you are, and know where you fit.
My wishes for you .. when I bother the effort to have them .. is that you simply learn how to take care of yourself. That you establish yourself as some sort of teacher - that is recognized by other people in a way that you can be rewarded monitarily, and have some means of eventually supporting yourself, and can stop living off of your mother, or with your mother.
I hope you eventually figure out exactly who and what you are, and figure out where you fit .. and failing that I guess I just wish you continue to live ur life the way u see fit to live it anyway - amongst people whom accept u, and your particular brand of uniqueness for u ..
I'm not a horrible person .. no matter what you might think of me .. and deep down, I know that I'll always love you, even if I don't know how to show that outwardly any longer. You've been there when I needed someone, and if our paths ever cross again, and you need me for something - know I'd give u what I could.
But at this point, I need to not know you right now. I need to not be your friend, and not feel as though you're judging me, and finding fault. And I think, you need that as well, from me. I think you need to not be my friend right now. Because we each have nothing to offer each other right now, but our own ideas about what reality and necessary skills and feelings are .. and well to be honest, they just don't mix.
I'd rather say good bye in this way, rather than grow to hate you.
All my best,
I know it's long, it's ok if you skimmed it. I didn't. This is between me and her. However you feel about bigotry and homophobia, keep it to yourself. Let her live in hatred if she needs to.