unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
8:34 am - 03.03.05
to Window-Washer John
I'm sorry I couldn't join you for a New Years Party 2 years ago. I lied to you, told you I didn't want to brave the freezing cold on just my bike. I lied because I wanted you. I wanted to believe that the way you looked at me was some deep sexlust. A desire to have my body all night long.
Even though you said you weren't gay, even though you said you had gay roomates, even though you said you liked pussy...I still thought your Leo-gaze was for me. Your intensity, your fire, I thought it was more than friendly closeness. I wanted to fuck you.
I wanted you to seduce me. I watched your ass at Mimosa while you washed the windows. I saw you ride your bike shirtless, your tanned belly, your strong sweaty arms, I wanted you bad.
I thought I could control my desire, I thought I could only be your friend.
But I was wrong. I was your lover, and you were only my friend.
Forgive my lust, forgive my desire to lick your mole.
If I had gone to meet you that night, I would've tried to manipulate you, and have my way with your body. And maybe you would have relented, and maybe it would've been good.
Or maybe you would've beaten the shit out of me, and thrown me out, horny and bloodied.
I still think of you as sexlust, I still crave your touch, the burning of your eyes into mine.
I am weak.
I am broken.
I am lost.
Forgive me, but I cannot be near you, if I can't be near you.