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Hey folks,

I've been out of touch for a while, but things are going well. Here's a story I wrote for a buddy of mine, inspired by a game I used to play with my younger sister Gloria. The game's called McGyver- with a strange collection of objects, you're suppose to figure out how to accomplish some bizzare task. It's fun, if you have creative friends!

Here goes:
You have 3 items-
1. A chainsaw
2. A hairy cow
3. A French baguette

Your mission is to become the President of France...

Oh how will she do it?

First, I organize a medieval dinner in the French countryside, parading around the hairy cow to show how "old-style" and authentic the meal will be. With the baguette, in advance, I brush off the extra flour into a huge oak barrel full of fresh mountain water and let it stand for like three months to make a delicious traditional malt liquor. With the chainsaw and the help of the cow, I cut down some trees to build an ancient party-hall (there is also a secret room hidden in the back..). In the evenings, I ride about the French countryside inviting people to the event, also learning an ancient French dialect to really convince people and get the word spread. Some people even offer to loan me their medieval clothing for our volunteer staff, a bunch of college students to whom I give the wheat-booze. Eventually, the word reaches the aristocrats and the politicians, who I start to get invited to visit. All of them know I hope to invite Mr. and Mrs. Chirac, the current president and his wife. On a shitty piece of paper that maybe looks like something from the middle-ages, I write them a formal invite in old French, and they accept!
The night before the big event, I do some voodoo magic and cut up my dear cow with my dear chainsaw. I make a huge soup and roast, conjure up 100 baguettes, turn one of my male assistants, Hal, into a zombie, and make a fabulous leather dress for the event.
The next day, everyone starts arriving and I am there, dressed smashingly, with my zombie assistant. When the president and his wife arrive I tell them they are the guests of honor and will enter the hall from the stage door in back, which is quite small and cramped, so the guards have to wait on either side. The two of them enter the doorway first, and on the other side Hal knocks them out cold with the hard-ass original baguette, takes off their clothes, chops them up, and tosses them into the soup..... No, wait, that's not a nice way to end the story..... Hal knocks them out, takes their clothes, I hypnotize them and give them a psychic facial lift. Jacques Chirac ow thinks he is a dairy farmer (he will take over the party hall when we're finished), and Bernadette Chirac thinks Jacques is now impotent, so she has dumped him to be with the sexy dairy farmer who reminds her of her husband. Hal, I transform into The president, with the help of the cow's hair, he puts on his suit, and we go out to greet the crowd. The former president and his wife, fully hypnotized, leave out the back door to go make love in another barn. During the party, "Mr. Chirac" announces in an ancient old custom, that he is so delighted with the meal and the party that he will "give me the crown of France". I have a team of lawyers and a camera crew nearby to record everything and write up the contracts immediately. I sign the contracts, in cow's blood (another tradition), and we all get drunk on my fine wheat ale.

----- The End --------

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