unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
11:47 am - 02.02.04
burying your child
I think women who want to be mothers, should reexaming their ideals before they ponder the idea of childbirth.
You have your own ideals, which are not your own, they have been tainted by your parents, the children you grew up with, and whoever your partner is at the time. Maybe you think that raising your child the exact opposite way your parents did, will be enough to create the perfect child. That he or she will turn around when they're 20, and say "thanks Mom, for a really great childhood". A pipedream at best.
No, your arrogance of ideals will warp your child's mind. When you go to shield him from sex, drugs, and danger; you are shielding him during the precious early years when what he learns is what he knows forever. Children's minds and hearts are extremly sensitive and receptive in their elementary ages; why not fill the child with unconditional love, instead of "DON'T DO THAT!"
We are crazy to assume anything when it comes to our children.
They really can become anything, in the negative sense too.
I was not prepared for life, I coasted by, unscathed in the wings of a play-it-safe Mother. I was a good boy, but I wanted to learn more, always wanted to know more. And yet her blasted taurus ways held me back. The curiosity built up inside, and blew up, I screamed, I cried, I destroyed as many of her expectations as possible.
I tried to advance my knowledge of nature and the paranormal sciences, but those weren't normal pursuits of a young boy. She wanted a college boy doctorlawyerfiremanwhatever to make her proud, and own a house, a car, and a wife and kids.
And maybe I would have pursued those things, if she naturally let me explore them.
Instead now, NOW I AM FINALLY LEARNING!
I am reading books I never had the desire to read, cause she never showed them to me.
I didn't care about video games too much back then, I liked the pinball machines, and a few of the Atari games, but not enough to bring them home. If I had gotten an Atari, or the brand new Nintendo, then I would've been even more screwed. I would've never left the games, forgetting studies, books, the questions of life.
I was that kid in Elementary school, the gold star reader, who could read rings around those pathetic mush heads boys and girls. I'd be half way through the book, when that slow kid was still fighting her way through the first word. "IT'S "THE", YOU IDIOT!"
Your child is your life.
If he's failing in one area, try to figure out why he's succeeding in other areas. If he's good at math, but horrible at reading complex stories; then figure out what's in math, that isn't in the storybooks. Don't fill in holes with easy-read books, that's covering up a larger problem. Instead investigate for YOURSELF, be a fucking Mom. Don't send him to the "experts", they know nothing. They ask him booby trapped questions, he answers like any kid would, he gets a lollipop, and a pat on the back. Then the doctor turns on him, says the kid will be a raving psycopath, prescribes adult drugs, which will turn him into a zombie, or a monster depending on the sideeffects, and you still won't know the root issue.
Parents, get your hands dirty! Take a fucking risk! You can't hurt a child anymore, than bringing him or her into this world. The damage has been done, if he or she survives after birth, then it's a miracle. Everything else will be a lil less horrible than birth.
Don't give up so easily. Maybe if your child starts spouting adult concepts, he or she might be ready to learn adult things!
I don't want kids. I would hope if I was a woman, I would feel the same way. Childhood is a wonderfully terrible time. We haven't even scratched the surface of what happens when we grow up. All the emotionally fucked up people in the world, were once stable children, until something horrible happened, which was burned into our minds, and never dealt with. We think just cause the kid is smiling, he's ok. But children never forget. And years apon years of that unanswered memory, circle around the child's head, and effects every descision, both large and small. And it is such a silent process.
I'm angry at my Mother, cause she never gave me the chance to fuck up. So I lived a life of innocense and fear. Always afraid to do anything, obsessively plotting out every possible outcome in my head, and then doing nothing. Cause nothing is safe.