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1:24 am - 03.30.04
Relationships vs. Friendships
I've wanted to write this entry for a long time, but it never feels like the right time. This entry will probably piss everyone off, and it should. Cause we don't talk about this as much as we should.

Here are some quotes that inspired this entry:

"Once you utter the words, "Marry me, or I'm leaving you." You can never take back those words. You can never erase the pain or the lingering idea that you might leave the other person. The moment distrust and fear enter a relationship...well, it can very easily spell the end of it."


"You're nobody until somebody loves you."



We trip and fall into them, usually with resulting bruises, they're wonderfully painful, and when they're over, you have no idea what happened.

I was reading an article in The Week (Apr. 2, 2004 vol. 4 issue 150 page 5) that was talking about the advantages of arranged marriages. When I first read the phrase "arranged marriage", all the usual feelings of indignation and outrage over outdated stupidity surfaced, but I kept reading.

The writer is talking to a friend, an engineer, originally from India, but living here in America. He was matched with a woman he had never met before his wedding day. He said, "We go into marriage with different expectations, we expect that it will be difficult. We know that we will have to accommodate another person. In time, by caring for each other, by showing respect for each other, we begin to feel love. Love grows."

In the musical "Fiddler on the Roof", there's a scene near the end, where Tevye, the Father and narrarator of the play, asks his wife, Golde, if she loves him? See, a matchmaker brought them together, and by tradition that's how it was done in their culture. They didn't have the time to fall in love, go out dating, and have premarital sex. The wedding day arrived, and they met on that day.

"Golde, I have decided to give Perchik permission to become engaged to our daughter, Hodel."

"What??? He's poor! He has nothing, absolutely nothing!"

"He's a good man, Golde.
I like him. And what's more important, Hodel likes him. Hodel loves him.
So what can we do?
It's a new world... A new world.
Love. Golde..."
Do you love me?

Do I what?

Do you love me?

Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion...

"Golde I'm asking you a question..."

Do you love me?

You're a fool

"I know..."

But do you love me?

Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

I was shy

I was nervous

So was I

But my father and my mother
Said we'd learn to love each other
And now I'm asking, Golde
Do you love me?

I'm your wife

"I know..."

But do you love me?

Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

Then you love me?

I suppose I do

And I suppose I love you too

It doesn't change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

The idea of meeting someone on my wedding day, to live forever with, this is a frightening concept. But maybe it's the best?

But what about love? That earth shaking fireworks exploding heart pounding passionate love? When does that come into play?

Cause we Americans are used to that kind of love, it's in the media, we hear it in our music, see it in our movies and TV shows, it's everywhere.

When we are young, the fairy tales ensure us that we will meet a beautiful princess or a daring knight. We hear the music, read the books, we're bombarded with this perfect ideal of love. You will meet "Mr. Right", and you'll like all the same stuff, and go out dancing, and have fantastic sex.

And you do meet those people you just click with, and you have 6 hour long phone conversations, and everything feels so right, and he makes you feel so wonderful, and she makes your heart sing. And this friction builds in the dance, when you can't wait to be together.

But aren't you forgetting something?

Like you?

All this time you can't stop thinking about her, or writing poems about him, or talking about her, and having dreams where you go to the supermarket and buy fruit and canned goods, for your house, kids, and dog.

At some point you forget about you, and you think, and talk about the other person more. You think you know them, and you say all the rest will work itself out. And so you meet, and ....and you realize you're staring at a stranger.

You both like Elvis and walks on the beach, but beyond that, it's all kind of empty. So you talk about your childhood, always start at the roots. But even after sharing both of your life history's, you're still looking at a stranger.

Now fears and doubt sink in, and those desires to run away suddenly start making sense. Maybe you look for excuses to leave, to even sabotage the relationship. You wasted all of these months getting to know this person, and now you realize you don't know them at all! So pack up your heart baby, it's time to flee, get away from this creature as fast as possible.

Loneliness is safe, it's logical really, just tell yourself that, when you go to sleep.

Why are we afraid of intimacy, I mean real intimacy. Do you really love this guy enough to tell him he's slowly killing his body with drugs? Could you spend the hours in counseling with him? Staying up late at night while he slowly comes off of his eternal high, all the while shouting at you, and telling you horrible things you never want to hear again? Could you stick by him?

A friend could, and would.

You have friends you've been through Hell with, you have fights, royal blowouts, but somehow the bonds of friendship keep tight.

Yet when you and your lover have a fight, you're ready to call it quits, and swear off love forever. Why should a relationship be any different, or less enduring than a good friendship?

You tell your best friend things your family doesn't know. You show your friend all the secrets, both ugly and beautiful. Friends share everything.

But with a potential Lover, you hide everything, and only reveal lil snippets of who you are. You lock up your secrets, and freakout in paranoia if he seems too interested.

Doesn't it strike you as odd, that we're more willing to sacrifice our heart and soul when it's for a friend?

As soon as love comes into play, we're suddenly defensive, "I don't want to get hurt again, I don't like games, be honest, why can't you just tell me how you feel?"

And I think it's really fucking confusing, when women play the "Let's just be friends" card. If you wanted to be friends, why not start that way? Really, I have been more intimate and close to my friends, than I have ever been with Lovers. For some odd reason, when love comes into play, life turns into a minefield, and your brain turns to mush, and your heart takes over the dance, and you go nuts.


When you're in love, you forget who you are, you forget your friends, and everything becomes about the other person. They are the new obsession, you obsess over them, and they obsess over you.

Meanwhile, the friends, who know you, inside and out, are warning you to slow down, and keep an eye out. But you don't, cause you're in Love, and Love conquers all. Just like when you're married you can't get AIDS.

In America, marriage begins with love and romance, and most of those fail. Perhaps the romance dies, and two strangers suddenly don't care about who they're sleeping next to. They're married, the one has found the other, game over, checkmate.

Oh but you say it'll be different, you have high hopes and confidence that your love will win out. But what is that love based on?

The sex is good, there's attraction, you both like Final Fantasy games, ummmm...he can do card tricks, she's a good cook...maybe we can make it last?

If you end up having kids, you're screwed. Cause suddenly it's not just about your own fears anymore. You now have the fate of life in your hands. This child will suck the both of you dry, and then give you everything, and then ask for it back. If you have more than one, on top of uncertainties in the relationship...think of a pressure cooker that's been left unattended for too long.

How have you met your closest friends? How have you met your past/current lovers? What is different?

Friends last longer than lovers.


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My 80's Nostalgia Page - 11-02-07
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Bizarre Love Triangle - 10-15-07