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11:01 pm - 03.30.05
Fucking Yesterday
"I'm here where I want to be, 7000 miles from infinity, no one knows where I am....but me."
- Meryn Cadell

Here is my life up to this point.

I live at home with my Mother, Susan. She's going to be 59 soon.

I am 26, in about 8 months I'll be 27. I have never moved out. Though we have moved to various apartments and cities since I was young.

When I was very young, I had anger issues. I can only describe it as a deep frustration with the world. Imagine knowing with a clear pounding certainty that the world is not as it should be, and you cannot seem to convince anyone that there is a problem.

When I was still in diapers, my Mother was married to a man, Ray, not my father. I think he used to sexually abuse me. I only have two small memories of him. Both were very unpleasant.

After Ray she stopped seeing men. I'm not sure why really. When I was in Elementary Skewl, I sorta remember her going to Singles Groups at our church. But she never seemed to meet anyone.

My Mother was married to another man before she met my Father. Dave and her had a daughter, Stacie. She died of cribdeath a short time later. Dave and Mom got a divorce soon after, as is usually what happens after a tragedy like that.

I'm a little vague on how much time passed before she met my Dad and had me. All I know is she was dating this guy, Dean, whom she was head-over-heels in love with. She still sparkles when she talks about him. She was also dating my Dad, Roy.

Roy is a dork, has always been. He is very intelligent though. If his family had been able to afford it, he may have been a part of the MENSA program. My Mom told me you could have conversations with him while he was asleep, and he could solve math problems too (I often wonder if he had Edgar Cayce's abilities too?). Again my memories are fuzzy on this; he had owned a few small businesses, selling everything between xerox machines to fixing up cars and selling them. He's a mechanically inclined, hands-on guy.

He's also an asshole. Before he knew I was gay, he'd crack all the bad homophobe jokes. When I started gaining weight in HS, he'd make fun of me. My dad is an asshole.

He's also an alcoholic, and a chain smoker. He's a man of many talents!

He loves to find motherly women, so that they'll take care of him. Scrub his underwear, buy him butter (not margerine, god forbid), and generally worship him.

Recently an ex-friend and his girlfriend reminded me of my mother and father, it was a scary realisation (especially since I was sexually attracted to this friend). All the oediple themes aside, I realised in that moment that I do have parental issues. I recognised my habits and mannerisms and found that they mirrored my parents.

You try so hard to escape the ways of your parents, only to discover that you're acting just like them!

So I'm signing up for counseling again. I haven't had any sort of professional therapy for over 4 years.

Back to Dad, him and my mother never were married, and he left a few months after I was born. We've always lived in Wisconsin, he lived near us at that time. But I think he moved back to Illinois after that, to guess what? Live with his mother!

When he's around my mom, he berates her, and patronises her. And I do the same thing. She's so simpleminded sometimes. She forgets the stupidest stuff. And when SHE fucks up the remotes, she blames me, and thinks I did something. I've tried to explain things to her slowly, but she can't remember anything.

And when she doesn't want to do something, like god forbid, a new kind of food, she won't fucking move, and I hate it!
She doesn't want to drink any kind of tea, because her mother forced it down her throat as part of some stupid remedy. And I try to explain to her that that was propably that icky english tea that's bitter and disgusting; while I'm offering her herbal teas with huge varieties of flavors.
One moment she's open to trying Reiki, the next she's terrified of it. God the Reiki Master doesn't even touch your body! Even if you don't believe it works, at the most this person will stand over you and wave their hands over your body. I've set her up for free sessions just so she wouldn't lose anything by going.

I showed interest in learning how to cook and sew, and she doesn't do those things anymore. I've tried to engage her in my interests, but she doesn't care.
Her perfect idea of a nice evening, is sitting in front of the TV, watching Law & Order marathons, eating snack food, and drinking Propel Fitness Water by the gallon.

I've started cooking on my own, and I'm getting quite good at it. And while she does sample the stuff, she always turns down a complete meal. She'd rather order dry rice and rubbery broccoli from Grand China or eat fast food.

I want to get away from this, away from her, away from him, I want to run far far far away and never look back.

I want to live on my own, on my own dime. I only want a tv so I can watch movies. I won't get cable. So that saves $100 a month. I want a phone, with long distance and voicemail, but they have some great calling plans now, so that won't be too costly.

I want a fucking cat, a fucking boyfriend, and a fucking free driver's license.

And I want all of this fucking yesterday!


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