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From time to time images are mysteriously deleted by Photofuckit, I cannot stop this. Whenever possible, I will do my best to alter entries with missing images.

11:32 am - 01.31.04
Welcome To Me
We all conform to labels, it's what our society is based on. But what if we could grow beyond such labels? What if we could look at a person, and just know who they are, without knowing that their name is George, and they're Asian, and they like Country music.

All of us have prejudices about everything. You may have grown up around a lot of Asian people, maybe that was a good experiance, maybe it wasn't. But if I told you my nationality, you would judge me on some level right away. Same as if I told you my name.

Say my name is George. Did you ever fall in love with a George? Did you marry him? Did he break your heart? Did he hurt you? Names carry memory and power. All it takes is one George, and all the rest from there on in are either blessed or cursed.

So what I'm trying to get at is this: where does are identity lie?

When we meet someone new, we automatically begin the small talk, to try to figure out how much you can say, or how much you may trust the other person. And whatever he or she says, will mold your answer. You will reinvent yourself with each word you say. That's why no one friendship is the same, because we essentially are a differant person for everyone.

You may defend that, and say you have your Football friends, your Poetry friends, and your Driving Really Fast Down The Old Farm Road friends. Yet have you ever had one friend, who you told everything to, did everything with? Have you ever wanted a friend like that?

We grow up with parents who teach us nothing about protecting ourselves, so the first time we get hurt, all we know is the pain, and that we never want to feel that way again. Up go the walls of fear, and our mind creates a memory of that first pain, which will in turn create a horrible fear that it may happen again.

So back to George. Will George hurt you like you were that first time? Better not risk it, and up go the heavy walls of fear.

I truly believe that our walls should be built of strength, confidence, love, will power; not fear and pain.

How many of you will come apon this entry, and here my name, my race, my age, my life; and run for the hills? How many will stick around, still caustious I might say the wrong thing?

My name is Andrew. I am 25, and I still live at home, with my Mom, Susan. I was recently fired from the best job I ever had, for stealing from petty cash.

I don't drive, I depend on my friends and family for transportation.

I am addicted to pornography. I have tried to dignify it as a form of erotic art, and there is erotic/artistic nude photography out there; yet I mostly collect the base sexual ones. The ones that make you hard and horny.

I masturbate quite often, it's almost beccome a type of self-rape, always trying to find that emotional high.

I don't really have any religion. I wear the jewelry for status, and some false sense of protection. I "see" things with my intuition, and feel odd energies all the time, but I don't really believe in them. They are just things that happen. I am searching for meaning, in all the wrong places, realising at the same time, there is no right place.

I can spin bullshit into strawberry shortcake, and back again. My ideas change all the time, I have no foundation. I suck at grounding. And I insult my self image on an minute to minute basis.

I am overweight, I don't drink enough water. I have been eating more vegetables, but not enough. I nuke everything.

I am an overdramatic young man, who has no idea what or who he really is. I question if I've ever felt a genuine emotion. Because it all feels like an act sometimes.

I am a hopeless romantic, who dreams about finding the right woman, who is exactly like that girl on that TV show.

I'm also gay, maybe. I don't really know anymore. I like women too, and have done some things with two of them; but I don't really know who I want, romatically, emotionally, or even sexually.

I know nothing.

I think I know everything.

I am lost, broken, and falling.

I am Me.

And I have no idea what that means.


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My 80's Nostalgia Page - 11-02-07
The Incredible Buddha Boy - 10-17-07
youthful energy - 10-15-07
Bizarre Love Triangle - 10-15-07