unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
5:22 pm - 08.10.05
somebody to love
I'm falling into old patterns again. I'm waiting for a Lover, who I see in dreams, who feels closer...and I meet possibilities, but nothing comes of any of them.
I'm going to spend another year alone. I'm going to spend another year fat. Without a job, a life, a drivers licence!
Stuck living with a woman who's slowly losing her grip on reality. Who is guilt tripping me to go to the fucking Dentist!
I'm 8 years old again, I see all these kissing couples and people with lives, and it all scares the crap out of me.
But I don't want to go home. It's not my home! I want my home to be a free space, where I don't have to pay bills, or do anything remotely responsible.
I want to slack off, I want to develope into a puddle of ooze.
I hate TV, I hate computers, I hate Porn, but it's all there, right in front of me, and I can't stop myself from taking in this brain/soul poison!
I want out of this prison cell!
That reminds me of a song:
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life
Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I'm going crazy, the pressure is building. Some days I think I'll sell all of my belongings, and follow the train tracks, and go visit all my friends I've promised a million times to visit but never do. I've made great leaps in my fantasy life, but haven't taken one step in the real world.
I cannot spend my emotional wealth.
I am hungry.
I am so tired, bored, disgusted of this life. I don't know if I should pack up all my stuff because I may be moving soon, or if I should just set my stuff up, and leave it the way it is, because I'm never actually going to leave her, I'll never move out, I'll always be stuck here, I'll always cringe whenever someone makes some joke about a 30+ year old man who's still living with his fucking mother!
My job history sux, the two jobs I held the longest were for companies that no longer exist! My favorite job, the one that would've looked great on an application, I fucked up by stealing from petty cash. I quit jobs before I ever really give them a chance. The cold cruel lifeless atmospheres of most places drain me, and you expect me to work there? How do you do it? Why do you settle for shit? Why can't I? Why can't I ignore people? I've never had a date in grade school, because I over analysed everyone. The only girl I ever asked to a prom was so excited one moment, but then sad because her family would be out of town.
I have been burned throughout my life.My Mom has had her own childhood issues resurfacing, sometimes I feel like she takes it out on me.
I haven't helped things, I take out revenge on her all the time. We're constantly balltling eachother over silly stupid things. It feels like marriage, a really bad ugly marriage. I can't have a relationship while I live with her. Any man who falls in love with me better have a nice couch, and extra closet space, because I do not want to stay there another moment!!!
I don't blame any guy who looks at me and my life, and then runs for the hills! I'm a friggin' mess! I need serious help, I need a savior. I need a fucking tree to fall onto our TV and cable box. I get these devilish urges to damage the cable line in such a way as to make it unusable.
If I ever do get out of here, I know what my Mom's life will be like. She brings all her eating dishes and cups into the living room, leaves all the lights on, then lays on the couch, watches predictable boring television, then goes to bed, leaving her mess behind, and all the friggin' lights on. And another day starts, and she never does the dishes, and I'm terrified every time she takes out the garbage that shes going to fall and break something. I mean she gets these dizzy spells, and she screams bloody murder, and part of me dies inside, because I know that she's dying inside too, and I know that I don't want to be there, I don't want to see her fall apart.
I'm afraid that if I ever move out, it'll be so far away that I'll never have to see her again. I can disappear. She's already alone, even with me there, we're both alone.