unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
12:36 am - 04.15.04
I want to feel the touch of a clever, intelligent, sensual gentleman.
I've been dreaming about this blond gentleman, with glasses, wearing a faded Les Miz shirt, and carrying a messenger bag filled with classical poetry, half-filled notebooks, pilot pens, and individually wrapped chocolates.
He looks at me with these deep blue emeral eyes, and smiles for no reason. We stop in mid argument just to look at each other. I like how his hair flops down to veil his eyes.
He talk, we laugh, we kiss... and for brief moments we just stop, and have to laugh, cause it's so wonderful to have that moment, together. Then we go back to whatever we were doing.
Sometimes we just sit in the same room, he reads his book, I write in my journal. We sit like that for hours, not saying a word to each other. And it's so nice, and quiet. We can interact without touch or speech, those things become too much, too needy.
We use words to try to get inside, to feel the deeper "us". Touch is like this mashing of bodies, trying to mold into one, but eventually you get tired, or feel abused.
So silence helps us recooperate, to feel safe and secure, without words, or embraces.
We may spend days apart, maybe having flings with beautiful boys we don't love. But at some point, we come together as friends, as lovers, as something that can't be defined.
Sex for pleasure is just masturbation. Even if there's 3 of you, a box of sex toys, and a gallon of lube; it's just selfish sex, a drug, self-masturbation.
Sex for love can be just as bad. You feel the need to say "I love you" a lot, which becomes all pink and mushy, and kissy, and soft, and bleach!
No, real sex just happens. Sometimes you love them, sometimes you don't. But you look into their eyes, and you feel the signs of desire and lust. And you know something's going down very soon.
Maybe it's great sex, or maybe it's okay sex, the point is, you saw them, they saw you, and va va voom, you both knew what had to be done about it. None of this "I love you, let's make passionate love", or "Hey dude, can you be over in 15min, I really need to get laid", this is real sex. No purpose other than mutual desire.
I was talking about my fantasy lover, and got sidetracked into a rant.