unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
1:21 pm - 11.17.05
thank you Meryn Cadell
I'm in love with a man, I work with him, okay... he's my boss.
Yeah I know, what the heck is she thinking?
But we connect on this level so much deeper than friendship, it's like crazy, peaches n' cream, that's us.
Like there was this time I was singing this song, because we're allowed to play music, and it's a duet, and I'm singing the girl parts, and he walks by and starts singing the boy parts!
And we looked into eachother's eyes, and we sang how much love we had for eachother, or at least how much love Kenny had for Sheena...
I decided to wear my green sweater today,
When we talk, we talk, like we talk about everything, in the way that two people who like eachother talk about everything except the things they really want to talk about...
He makes me smile, I can't help it, my face just beams when I'm around him.
Today was odd though, he acted funny, like cold, distant, he didn't talk to me much today. I went to his office on my break, I knocked on the door, he was busying writting something. He didn't even look up as he said, "hello."
I walked outside, lit my cigarette, and inhaled the sweet fumes, and blew my frustration out in wisps of smoke, and watched them as they were caught by the wind, and taken far, far from here...
Even when I think I'll be mad at him forever, all it takes is one look into his eyes, and I know he has me under his power, and there is absolutely nothing I can do.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a control freak, I must plan everything, I must know where I'm going and what I'll need when I get there.
Is it wrong that I act so girly around him?
He's not a demigod by any measure, he's thin, kinda scruffy, and the five o'clock shadow he wears on his face drives me wild.
If this was the Titantic, and he was the Captain, I would enter the bridge and lock the door behind me, and we would go down together.
He's going away for a week on vacation. He's leaving me alone here, alone without him. I can do my job, I will do it to the best of my ability. But the tasks will seem empty without him. I know I'll forget he's gone, and I'll go to his office and knock on the door, and it'll take me a moment to realise why he's not answering.
Time passes, the week goes by, my ear is numb, I respond like a robot when the phone rings, I no longer hear anything else, just the repitive ring in my ears.
I'm starting to forget what his voice sounds like...
Nothing matters anymore, just get through the week. Survive. That's what I'm good at.
Okay, he's back. My heart flutters, I'm happy he's home. But then I freak out, because I'm remembering how awful the week was, and I'm terrified I did something horribly wrong, I start to clench my fists, I feel my face reddening...
It's okay, I'm sitting at my desk now, I put my music in, I'm logged into my computer, my headset is armed and ready; just another day at the office. I don't even notice he walks by. I don't see him until later. The call board is almost empty, only a few are taking calls. He calls everyone over to his office. He looks good. But differant.
His hair is a little longer, no that's not it. He's not wearing anything I haven't seen before...oh, he is...a ring, he has a ring on his finger.
It's nothing, I tell myself. He's talking about his vacation, he's got a big grin on his face. He mentions a girl, what girl? There is no girl? Who? They met where? She's a what? Moving? And then the bomb hit.
"Everyone, I have great news! I'm getting married!"
What? But...? The phones are ringing...I have to answer the phones. They're all just standing there clapping. The ringing fills my head, I don't know where to go, what to do. I start to sit but there's no chair, so I fall on the ground.
Calls, lights holding, tiny little people lights all blinking at me, colors flashing, anger ringing in my ears, I don't know what to do.
A few have gathered around me, I feel dizzy, I try to get up, they shove a cup of water in my face, I don't want water, I want to answer the calls. I must answer the calls, the customers won't leave me alone, they'll never leave me alone.
The phones seem to ring constantly now. He's gone more and more, planning for the big day. She came into the office once, I hid behind my desk. I couldn't look at her.
Weeks go by, we sometimes talk, but not as close as before, and I don't mind really. I met an interesting guy at the bar last night, he's cute, he's a good kisser, but he's not him.
"Dearly beloved..." the words startle me awake, the last few months have been a blur of ringing phones, demanding customers, paying bills, driving somewhere to get something, and trying to get through the day. He looks good in his tuxedo. I helped him pick it out. Irony of ironies, I even planned his bride's shower.
She's nice, skinny, and very pretty. She's got a bachelors degree, in something, I don't remember. They'll be happy, they'll be okay. But will I be happy, will I be okay?
I think of survival, and of surviving alone, and I think that there must be things better than this.
"With this ring, I thee wed..." the words echo in my heart, I mouth them silently to myself. A tear rolls down my cheek, not now! I scream in my head, my fingers dig into my palms, I can't lose it at my boss' wedding!
I think of all the times we spent talking, more than talking, like our brains were making out, yet our hearts were too stupid to admidt it....or is that the other way around? I can't believe this is happening. I should be the one in that ugly white dress, with those flowers that clash with his eyes.
My face is wet with tears, my makeup is running down my cheeks, I probably look like a deranged clown. I can't sit here like this. My legs won't move. My brain is screaming. I close my eyes, I see his face. Ok, won't do that again.
"Does anyone here have any objections to this union..."
I stand up...