unless stated, none of these photos were taken by me
6:57 pm - 02.09.04
i am tired of the sun, moon, and stars
Words are so powerful.
Single words are like pin pricks to an elephant.
Group then together and you have an armour piercing bullet.
I made a sleepy stupid comment to someone Friday night, and it set in motion events you wouldn't believe.
Now my reputation as a reader may be in jeopardy.
I feel so tense right now, I turned off my messengers, I can't think right now. I feel like do something I shouldn't.
I might just rearrange my bedroom again. That always helps vent frustrations.
I feel the need to put up high walls, and not let anyone in.
I was just trying to tell a man to move on with his life, because the woman he wants is with another man. That he waited too long to make a move, so she found a man who was there in the moment.
He comes back, insulting my integrity, my morals, my life! He threatened to beat me to a pulp!
So I'm just backing away. This drama has gone on for too long. Maybe I pushed the burning wagon over the cliff, but it was burning long before I ever got into any of this.
I feel a tightness, of helplessness. And a pain just below it, I don't know what that one's about.
I feel defeated, broken down. I felt like this the day I was fired from Mimosa.
If you love someone, you should just tell them. Then you find out if they love you back. If they hesitate for even a moment, that should be your answer. So you take your pain, and screamcryshout, and you open up and do it allover again.
You believe in so much, and really know nothing. You ignore the silence, and fill it with hope and desire, and begin believing that he's some god, when he's just a human, who never actually said how he felt.
You just wanted so badly to believe that he did, so you filled in the gaps.
And that part hurts the most. When you begin to doubt the bridge of stone you built between, and it begins to crumble.
Yet you still feel every emotion, the irrefutable proof. That he was the one.
God dammit! This is not how it works, and yet we keep playing this game by the same stupid rules, where all you get at the end of the rainbow is pain.